Soulless
by Riza-san
Summary: How do you... how do you live with the memory?" One-shot.


**A/n: Not sure if anyone has done this yet. If anyone has, I apologize. I did under no means intend to steal your idea. I was just in the mood to write some depressing one-shot, so that was exactly what I did. Please note that many of the sentences in this story are copyright of KA Applegate. No suing me, please! XD **

_Soulless_

His fist shattered the glass.

I pried open his hand, desperate to get to the crystal. Desperate to do what I had always wanted to – to fight the Yeerks. I felt my hand close around the crystal, feeling it's smooth texture.

It only took a second. I was free from the boundaries, which had been weighing me down my whole life. Free from restrictions, from rules.

Their bodies were now all lying on the ground, motionless. Blood was scattered everywhere, from the previous battle they had to endure. I had to do it now. I had to do it, otherwise they would die where they were. The Animorphs. The warriors who never saved earth.

This was my moment.

All it took was ten seconds. Just ten seconds, and it was over. All the Hork-Bajir, the human controllers, dead.

And I had done it.

I carried the Animorphs to a small bunch of trees not far from the Matcom complex. Marco was already dead. I gave him an electric shock and restarted his heart. I reattached Ax's arm.

All I felt was numb. As if I had no idea what I should be feeling. The concept, of killing... if had been so alien to me.

But committing murder always finds its way back to you.

The reality hit me, cold, fast and hard.

Oh god.

Oh my god.

In instantly put the boundaries and restrictions back in place.

What had I done?

How could I have done something so brutal and savage? How could I have watched life be taken right before my eyes?

Life. So beautiful and so pure. I had taken that away from them. Maybe, one day, those controllers would have escaped the hands of the Yeerks. But that chance and diminished.

"Human!"

"You okay, Marco?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Man, I was so close to being dead!"

I was so disgusted with myself. Why was I crying? Why was I crying when I had taken the lives of human controllers? Any day from now the relatives of those humans would find out. They would cry. They would grieve. What right did I have to, when I had been the very one to take everything away from them?

"You were. He gave you an electric shock to start your heart again."

"Who did?"

Maybe one day, people would know what I had done. They would probably say how I saved the Animorphs from a very close encounter with death. But they wouldn't know the half of it. They would never here the stories of those I had destroyed, and their grieving love ones.

I was no hero, and never would be.

"Where are we?"

"Little bunch of trees, just down from the Matcom. Or what's left of Matcom."

"How did we get here? How did we get out of that place? We were toast!"

Some might say "Well, you saved the Animorphs. You saved the only chance Earth had. Shouldn't you be proud?"

Do you think I would be proud? Cutting off the heads of controllers, slicing them in half, stabbing them? Do you think I would be proud of that?

"You saved us by getting the crystal to Erek. He used it. He rewrote his programming. He's the one who... He..."

"He took care of the Hork-Bajir. I saw some of it. I was still conscious."

"How did Erek take care of the Hork-Bajir?"

((He destroyed them all.))

"Erek took out two dozen Hork-Bajir?"

((All the Hork-Bajir. All the human-Controllers. All of them.))

Has anybody every heard the saying, "With great power comes great responsibility?" Before, I had been pretty sure I understood that term. After all, with so much power, you had to be careful, right?

Power.

Never before had I realized how having so much power was curse. I was four times stronger than any human, four times faster. Yet the power I had misused, which was what lead to the fate I was living.

Isn't life cheery?

"_All _of them?"

"It lasted about ten seconds."

I grieved for her. She would be forever scared by what she saw. My actions. Massacre.

((It was extremely brutal. Very brutal, and very swift. He carried us here. He revived you. He even reattached my arm.))

Was it worth it? Saving them, I mean. Even if the Animorphs were going to go on to save Earth, was it really all worth it?

"He hasn't said anything since then. He won't talk to any of us."

"He saved us though, right?"

"Yeah. He saved our lives. And lost his own soul."

Soul.

Such a strange word. Did I ever truly have a soul to begin with? The images continued to flash through my find. Cutting through the flesh... cutting...

I tried to block the memory, but it keeps on coming. Murder after murder, what flashed before me then never seemed to stop. Almost like a broken record.

Was that the reason I had done this in the first place? Because I had no soul?

I stood up at the sound of Marco's footsteps, but didn't dare look at him. Maybe it was because I didn't want him to see how pathetic I was. Crying to myself over what I had done.

What would he say? Shameless? Disgusting?

"You okay, man?"

No. I was definitely not okay.

When I didn't reply, he said, "You saved our lives, Erek."

My own thoughts echoed through my mind. _Did it matter? Did anything matter?_

I needed ask him. If there was one thing I needed over anything else at that moment, it was to ask him.

"How do you... how do you live with the memory?"

I wanted to curl up into a hole and die. To escape my memories. Would they follow me?

Marco shrugged, "I guess I try not to think about it. I try and forget. And after a while, the nightmares don't happen as much."

I put a finger to my head, "Android," I said, and made a bitter, ruined smile, "I can't forget. See? I can never forget... anything."

What a curse.

Why couldn't I have been human, so I could experience what it was like to forget?

If there is a god, he must hate me.

I don't blame him. I hate myself, too.

The memories flashed through my mind yet again.

Bodies, lying motionlessly on the ground. Pools of blood... The memory was fresh, as if it was occurring there and then.

"_How do you... how do you live with the memory?"_

How?

"I'm sorry," Marco said.

All I could do was nod, "Yes." I held out my clenched fist, palm down. Marco knew what I was doing. I could tell he didn't want it. But I couldn't look at the thing which has lead to destruction. He held out his hand, and took the Pemalite crystal from me.

"I've changed my programming back," I said, "We... I... maybe at times we can tell you things. Information. But I'll never fight again. I can't join this war, my friend."

I walked away.

Death.

Blood.

Murder.

Did I even had a soul to begin with?

One thing was sure; whatever soul I had...

_I had lost it._

**A/n: And thus ends my first depressing one-shot. Poor Erek seriously needs a hug. Any volunteers? I honestly felt sorry for him reading the ending of book ten. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could never forget. Good grief, that would be awful. Poor, poor Erek D;**

**Please read and review, and please be honest. If my one-shot-writing skills suck, please let me know, but nicely. Nice-ness makes the world go round. Constructive criticism is also welcome. And yes, I am aware that there is probably a few misspellings and grammatical errors floating around. The chapter isn't beta-read. Read and review, please.**


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